[ The moment she sees the letter, she rushes out of the library to find her sister. No. None of that had been Ardea's fault, not at all. She was just being a child, a little girl. No one could fault her for that. Eirwen, though... Eirwen should have been more careful. Ardea had-- had died because of her, twice.
It's not Ardea's fault. She practically barrels into the room, eyes wide and panicked. If Ardea can tell, it's a true measure of how worried she is: The room is so much colder, and ice forms on the windows. ]
[Ardea jumpes badly enough that she tumbles forward onto her things. Hoping that nothing was crushed, she pushes herself into a sitting position before looking over at Eirwen. It's clear that she's been crying and busy packing.
With a forced smile, she gives her sister a small wave, shivering quite visible. The ice and cold give her the exact opposite impression: Eirwen's mad.]
I was just about to leave... so... I'm sorry I upset you. Well, again. Just give me a few minutes?
[ Oh, no. Oh, no, no, no. She's ruined everything again. It's because she remembered Ardea that she'd been able to accept those things about herself. The worst parts, the nasty ones. It had been hard.
But worth it, for Ardea. Eirwen sinks down to the ground, the flurries, ice, and cold abruptly stopping, like that day on the frozen fjord. ]
[After what had happened, Ardea had been avoiding her sister like the plague, even going as far as to pretend to sleep when Eirwen came in. Getting up much earlier than she needed to. Even avoiding going to her favorite places. All to give Eirwen her own space. That's all she wanted, right? Space to be herself? That was impossible with Ardea around. Christmas... had been the roughest part.
The sudden stop of the powers makes her blink. This had happened before... but now it was for a different reason. It takes a lot of resolve to take a deep breath and look at Eirwen seriously.]
What's there to talk about? Your... darkside... that was your true feelings, right? I'm sorry I didn't notice them sooner. I just make everything worse... I'll still help you pay off your debt. I can at least do that much.
[ Hearing Ardea talk like this, so helpless, dredges up a lot of bad memories. Eirwen hates it, this feeling of hopelessness. It's not right that Ardea should feel like this. Not Ardea, who's sunshine personified. But the brightest light falls to the deepest darkness, doesn't it?
Eirwen doesn't want that to happen. Not again. ]
Of course you don't make everything worse! That... dark side, if we're calling it that... it exaggerated so much. I don't hate you, Ardea. I never have, even if I've given you that impression... But I could never! Not you, especially. You're my little sister, and I love you more than anyone in the world.
[ Eirwen's trembling hands take Ardea's. ]
All the pain I've caused you... That's not your fault! That was mine, and I don't want to shut any more doors between us!
[Ardea listens to her sister before she looks down at their hands. These hands that had hurt her. The hands that had caused her to freeze to death. To become solid ice.
The hands that have been the one of most comforting things she's had here in Koriko.
It hurts. The feeling of helplessness in the face of someone as powerful as her sister, the emotions she could make Ardea feel. It causes pain to well up in her chest. Even these words were of little comfort right now.]
.... someone told me that they hurt the ones they loved not intentionally, but by accident by running away from everything, thinking they were helping them... you did it out of fear of being called a monster...
[She bites her lip hard enough to leave indents.]
Eirwen... I love you, too. More than anything... and I want you to be happy. I feel like maybe the darkside was right in some way. I never let you choose what we do, what we should eat, where we should go. Everything we do is because I want it... so it's okay to hate me. I've been selfish, and should have stopped and listened to you more... I'm sorry... maybe if I had stopped back then, let you shut the gates again, all of this could have been avoided.
[Even if they spent the rest of their lives in a lonely prison never speaking again.]
[ Eirwen has never felt more helpless, in fact. She's so close to losing her sister again, and it's her fault. Again. Eirwen holds onto her that much tighter, shaking her head. ]
It's not okay to hate you, Ardea, and I certainly don't! [ Her voice carries an edge of panic and fear that she's not felt in a very long time. Ardea... Ardea really feels this way, doesn't she? Big sisters are supposed to protect their little sisters, and she's done nothing but hurt her. It's unforgivable, and Eirwen doesn't hate Ardea.
No. She hates herself. ]
I am happy, with you! Even if my dark side made you believe otherwise, I truly am happy being here with you. Even if it means we have to pay off a debt--we're together.
[That panic registers. Ardea's eyes flicker up to her sisters, watching them. There it was. The fear from before. From when Eirwen had used her powers, had run away, from the palace she had secluded herself in.
Ardea had once again caused her sister to be terrified. That guilt hit her like a wall of bricks. Her breathing sped up, her hands felt cold and sweaty, trembling, and the urge to be the one to run.
This was wrong. So wrong. No. No, this wasn't how it was supposed to be. Ardea wanted to be in and out. Let her sister have a quiet life, make friends, go back home, get her wish granted... Now it was ruined.]
... I'm doing it again. I wasn't thinking about what you wanted... you're scared again...
[The hot tears stung her cold cheeks.]
That's why it's my fault. Eirwen, how can you not blame me?
[ This is wrong, this is-- No. No. Ardea shouldn't have to bear this burden, the guilt that Eirwen feels she so rightly deserves. It's not Ardea's fault! Far from it! Everything would have worked out, would have been normal had she not restrained herself.
Eirwen pulls Ardea into a hug, a tight one. She holds her close, as close as she can, and Eirwen's shaking so badly it comes through in her voice. ]
We made a promise, didn't we? No more closed doors... Ever. It is no one's fault-- [ but my own, she thinks, even after accepting her darkest dark side ] --so please. Please, don't blame yourself.
[A hug. This was not what Ardea had expected. She had thought for sure that her sister would agree on the blame thing, since it sounded so rational. Since the shadow made it sound rational. Why would Eirwen say something so different from what her own darkness said?
She's conflicted on what to do. How to act. It's with hesitation that Ardea finally lifts her arms to embrace her sister in return.]
Eirwen... I... what if it's not our fault... neither of ours? Maybe...
[She didn't want to tell her sister about this at all. Not about that day in the dark basement.]
What... if it was our parents? I don't remember it... but it was them who did this to us, who locked us away... why lock us up at all? Why not help you learn to use your powers and not hide them?
Ardea-- what? No, no, it's not their fault. They did what they thought was best! They were trying to protect countless others from getting hurt by me. My control... Ardea, after the accident, I couldn't control it.
[ Eirwen's dark side had been so angry at their parents. It had scared Eirwen herself, but... but she does have to wonder how different things had turned out if they hadn't shut the doors... But they were doing their best. They were, truly.
Eirwen... I... That day.... I heard you and our parents talking in the garden... I was wondering what you three were doing out there since it was so hot...
[Ardea chews on her lip.]
... the way father... the way he was talking about you... it sounded like when he talked about a problem in the kingdom...
[ He... hadn't sounded like that, had he? Suddenly, Eirwen feels a crushing weight on her chest. A problem in the kingdom. Was that all she'd been-- a problem? No. They loved her and Ardea. They were good parents, and good parents didn't say things like... that. ]
I'm sure he was just... frustrated, since I couldn't get a hold on my powers.
No... I know that tone of voice. He used it on me when I asked about you. And mother would get really quiet when I tried to talk about you... I know they were trying to do what was right, but... Eirwen, don't you think they could have done it differently? Found something or someone who could help you instead of locking you up?
What about the trolls? They could have helped... They could have told our parents how they could help you... I've met them, they would never have told father to lock you away!
[That might even appall them to have it suggested.]
Yes, but wouldn't locking you up make you more afraid? It scared me... it scared me because I thought I did something wrong... that you hated me. That it was punishment, and no one would tell me what I did.
[This is not something she even wanted to bring up.]
[ For a moment, Eirwen doesn't say anything. She doesn't even move. But soon enough, her shoulders curl inward, and she clings a little tighter to Ardea. She still says nothing.... but her shoulders shake, and she is crying. ]
[Ardea starts crying as well, holding Eirwen tightly.
It was awful, painful, and the guilt over thinking her parents could do something horrible ate at her... yet the relief she felt about finally telling Eirwen her fears made the pain lessen.
[ It still hurts, yes. But... but it's a little bit easier. A little. Having Ardea here helps more than Eirwen could ever describe. Holding her like this, being the one to cry on Ardea's shoulder... it's a new situation, and sort of scary.
Yet.... she feels a little calmer, somehow. After a moment, Eirwen pulls away, wiping her eyes and laughing a little breathlessly. ]
[ She lets out another little laugh, this time a little steadier. ]
If only a certain little sister hadn't bragged about how her older sister is a queen... [ Eirwen's definitely feeling a little better. There's a note of affectionate teasing there. ]
... We really can be anything we want here, can't we?
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It's not Ardea's fault. She practically barrels into the room, eyes wide and panicked. If Ardea can tell, it's a true measure of how worried she is: The room is so much colder, and ice forms on the windows. ]
Ardea!
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With a forced smile, she gives her sister a small wave, shivering quite visible. The ice and cold give her the exact opposite impression: Eirwen's mad.]
I was just about to leave... so... I'm sorry I upset you. Well, again. Just give me a few minutes?
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But worth it, for Ardea. Eirwen sinks down to the ground, the flurries, ice, and cold abruptly stopping, like that day on the frozen fjord. ]
Ardea... please, we need to talk.
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The sudden stop of the powers makes her blink. This had happened before... but now it was for a different reason. It takes a lot of resolve to take a deep breath and look at Eirwen seriously.]
What's there to talk about? Your... darkside... that was your true feelings, right? I'm sorry I didn't notice them sooner. I just make everything worse... I'll still help you pay off your debt. I can at least do that much.
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Eirwen doesn't want that to happen. Not again. ]
Of course you don't make everything worse! That... dark side, if we're calling it that... it exaggerated so much. I don't hate you, Ardea. I never have, even if I've given you that impression... But I could never! Not you, especially. You're my little sister, and I love you more than anyone in the world.
[ Eirwen's trembling hands take Ardea's. ]
All the pain I've caused you... That's not your fault! That was mine, and I don't want to shut any more doors between us!
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The hands that have been the one of most comforting things she's had here in Koriko.
It hurts. The feeling of helplessness in the face of someone as powerful as her sister, the emotions she could make Ardea feel. It causes pain to well up in her chest. Even these words were of little comfort right now.]
.... someone told me that they hurt the ones they loved not intentionally, but by accident by running away from everything, thinking they were helping them... you did it out of fear of being called a monster...
[She bites her lip hard enough to leave indents.]
Eirwen... I love you, too. More than anything... and I want you to be happy. I feel like maybe the darkside was right in some way. I never let you choose what we do, what we should eat, where we should go. Everything we do is because I want it... so it's okay to hate me. I've been selfish, and should have stopped and listened to you more... I'm sorry... maybe if I had stopped back then, let you shut the gates again, all of this could have been avoided.
[Even if they spent the rest of their lives in a lonely prison never speaking again.]
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It's not okay to hate you, Ardea, and I certainly don't! [ Her voice carries an edge of panic and fear that she's not felt in a very long time. Ardea... Ardea really feels this way, doesn't she? Big sisters are supposed to protect their little sisters, and she's done nothing but hurt her. It's unforgivable, and Eirwen doesn't hate Ardea.
No. She hates herself. ]
I am happy, with you! Even if my dark side made you believe otherwise, I truly am happy being here with you. Even if it means we have to pay off a debt--we're together.
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Ardea had once again caused her sister to be terrified. That guilt hit her like a wall of bricks. Her breathing sped up, her hands felt cold and sweaty, trembling, and the urge to be the one to run.
This was wrong. So wrong. No. No, this wasn't how it was supposed to be. Ardea wanted to be in and out. Let her sister have a quiet life, make friends, go back home, get her wish granted... Now it was ruined.]
... I'm doing it again. I wasn't thinking about what you wanted... you're scared again...
[The hot tears stung her cold cheeks.]
That's why it's my fault. Eirwen, how can you not blame me?
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Eirwen pulls Ardea into a hug, a tight one. She holds her close, as close as she can, and Eirwen's shaking so badly it comes through in her voice. ]
We made a promise, didn't we? No more closed doors... Ever. It is no one's fault-- [ but my own, she thinks, even after accepting her darkest dark side ] --so please. Please, don't blame yourself.
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She's conflicted on what to do. How to act. It's with hesitation that Ardea finally lifts her arms to embrace her sister in return.]
Eirwen... I... what if it's not our fault... neither of ours? Maybe...
[She didn't want to tell her sister about this at all. Not about that day in the dark basement.]
What... if it was our parents? I don't remember it... but it was them who did this to us, who locked us away... why lock us up at all? Why not help you learn to use your powers and not hide them?
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[ Eirwen's dark side had been so angry at their parents. It had scared Eirwen herself, but... but she does have to wonder how different things had turned out if they hadn't shut the doors... But they were doing their best. They were, truly.
Weren't they...? ]
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[Ardea chews on her lip.]
... the way father... the way he was talking about you... it sounded like when he talked about a problem in the kingdom...
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[ He... hadn't sounded like that, had he? Suddenly, Eirwen feels a crushing weight on her chest. A problem in the kingdom. Was that all she'd been-- a problem? No. They loved her and Ardea. They were good parents, and good parents didn't say things like... that. ]
I'm sure he was just... frustrated, since I couldn't get a hold on my powers.
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No... I know that tone of voice. He used it on me when I asked about you. And mother would get really quiet when I tried to talk about you... I know they were trying to do what was right, but... Eirwen, don't you think they could have done it differently? Found something or someone who could help you instead of locking you up?
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Ardea... I don't think there's anyone who has powers like I do. And it's too dangerous besides!
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[That might even appall them to have it suggested.]
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[ ... but even she sounds unsure now. ]
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[This is not something she even wanted to bring up.]
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I... I feel terrible thinking that way, Ardea...
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[Hesitantly she pulls her sister into a hug.]
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It was awful, painful, and the guilt over thinking her parents could do something horrible ate at her... yet the relief she felt about finally telling Eirwen her fears made the pain lessen.
Now all she had to do was help her sister cope.]
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Yet.... she feels a little calmer, somehow. After a moment, Eirwen pulls away, wiping her eyes and laughing a little breathlessly. ]
My... what behavior for a queen, honestly!
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You know, you're not a queen here... you can act however you want to.
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If only a certain little sister hadn't bragged about how her older sister is a queen... [ Eirwen's definitely feeling a little better. There's a note of affectionate teasing there. ]
... We really can be anything we want here, can't we?
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[Ardea nods.] Yes. I'm a gardener, you're a librarian... isn't it nice not to always be a queen and a princess?
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[ Her chest feels less tight now. Eirwen rests her forehead against her sister's. Talking like this... ]
Nicer than I ever thought I deserved, really. In even my wildest dreams, I was never not a queen.
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[Ardea gives her sister a soft smile.]
I like not being a princess. We're just like everyone else here. No more bowing, courtesies, having to practice manners all the time. It's so nice.
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[ But she returns the smile, tucking a strand of hair behind her sister's ear. ]
You get to be free.
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[Let's be free together.]
thread end?
No more closed doors--for real this time.
Yes!
Good. I'm glad.